Doctor Doctor Who Guide

To the tune of ‘Drunken Sailor’ Traditional English rhyme.

Structure based on ‘What shall we do with a Grumpy Teacher?’ by A. Ahlberg.

What shall we do with a gurning Doctor?

Give ‘im an adventure to quickly ‘sort a’

Give him corny pigs to slowly slaughter

And a grieving Mum missing her daughter.

Earl –eye in the farm-yard.

Oooh Aagh - on he races

Pull-ing silly faces.

With Rose so he chases

To save all our bacon!

What shall we do with an awkward Doctor?

Stick him in a TARDIS always broken,

Lumber him with a girl Cockney spoken.

Land him in estates run down as token

Of the human farmyard.

What shall we do with a smug smug Doctor?

Tie him up in political plotline 

Put him in Parliament with farting porcine

Sadly use fat actors for cheap buffoon swines!

Early in the evening.

By eck -he’s my hero

By gum -just like Nero

Why doth he fiddle so?

In man’s affairs gurning!

What shall we do with under-eight children

Tell ‘em the next Doctor has smaller ears!

Teach crying kiddies the meaning of fear, 

Promise ‘em a tall settee from IKEA?

Earl-eye in the evening! 

What shall we do menace and fear?

Subvert them with farts to force undue calm.

Give monsters childish faces -too much charm? 

So sad Doctor’s wisecracks soften alarm

Earl-eye in the evening!

Bang Bang his poor hammer

Wrong date- needs a spanner

To mend his mean manner

In nice Tardis growing.

What shall we do with an angry Doctor

Bore him with sub-plot strangely domestic

Weave in complicated Mum, Mick or Rick

To confuse kids, and his trusted sidekick 

Earl-eye in the evening!

What do you do with a tetchy Doctor?

Give him a taste of family phonecard chatter

Trap him (AND US) with TV till he gets sober.

At LAST! He became independently bolder

Waking up this story! 

Rose Rose you seek meaning

Rose, Rose’s questions teeming 

Rose, Rose’s loving feeling

To a Doctor lonely!

What shall we do with an eager Doctor?

Make him tell others to ‘shup up’ nastily 

Suggest his sexual impropriety--

Themes my child shouldn’t hear on the settee

Earl-eye in the evening?

What shall we do with a Doctor scuppered? 

Put him in blue and unzip a big head

Place Mum, Rose and us all in dread

And spoil the wait with a trailer instead! 

Early-eye Auntie own goal.

Quick there- with your zips

When your gas chamber rips

Too slow expending farts

And you’ll be inflating!

Alternative chorus

Doc-tor, Who has begun

Doc-tor Who full of fun,

Time-Lord you’re a rum ‘un

Good ninth, new life dawning!

P.S There was a real French board game called ‘Pigs in Space’

Filters: Series 1/27 Ninth Doctor Television